By Tunji Disu
Recently, my children asked me about my cousins and extended family. I found myself doing a lot of explaining and more explaining than I expected. The conversation got me thinking about something we don’t talk about enough: how families fall apart and stay apart, generation after generation.
The Inheritance of Broken Bonds
Many of us have family members we’ve never met. Not because they died or moved to another country, but because of disputes that happened before we were even born. Siblings fought over land, money, perceived insults , preferential treatment and then stopped speaking. Their children grew up as strangers. Now their grandchildren don’t even know each other exists.
This is how family disintegration works. It’s quiet, it’s gradual, and by the time you realize what’s been lost, entire branches of the family tree have disappeared from your life.
Presently, there are uncles and aunties who deliberately keep their children away from the extended family. Family meetings happen, but people either don’t attend or come alone, leaving their children at home on purpose. Cousins who should know each other grow up in separate worlds. Nieces and nephews become strangers.
The Toxic Dynamics of Polygamy
In polygamous families, the complications multiply exponentially. Competition between wives creates lifelong rivalries. Children from different mothers are pitted against each other from birth. One wife gets labeled “the diabolical one.” Accusations of juju and witchcraft poison the atmosphere.
There’s a story by Orlando Owo called “Iye” that illustrates this tragedy perfectly. A woman, consumed by jealousy, plots to poison the son of her husband’s other wife. In a cruel twist of fate, her own son accidentally drinks the poison and dies. The evil she intended for another child destroys her own.
This isn’t just fiction it’s a reflection of real dynamics in many families. Stepmothers are viewed as enemies. Success is attributed to supernatural manipulation rather than hard work. Children are warned to stay away from their half-siblings because “that side practices witchcraft.”
Mothers tell their children: “Never go near your father’s other family.” “Don’t eat anything from that woman’s house.” “Those cousins will use juju on you.”
The children grow up afraid of their own blood. These mothers are now old or dead and their children never met their siblings. How can the grandchildren ever know each other when their parents were kept apart by fear and hatred ?
The Many Reasons for Disintegration
Family breakups happen for countless reasons:
Envy eats away at relationships. Someone succeeds , and instead of celebration, there’s resentment. Why did they prosper while we struggled? It must be something sinister.
Parental faults get passed down like inheritance. Parents fight, and their children inherit the grudge. The next generation doesn’t even know why they’re supposed to hate certain relatives they just do.
Superstition and fear keep families apart. Children are kept away from family gatherings out of fear of spiritual harm. If you hide your children, then I will keep mine away too.
Old wounds that refuse to heal. Someone said something disrespectful twenty years ago. Someone wasn’t invited to a wedding. Someone got more inheritance than others. These things become defining moments that fracture families forever.
Blood Is Not Always Thicker Than Water
The old saying goes that blood is thicker than water , that family loyalty is automatic and unbreakable. Reality tells a different story.
Some blood relatives are toxic. Some never want to see you succeed. Some will sabotage your progress, spread lies about you, celebrate your failures. There are siblings who have fought to the point of causing each other serious injury. There are family members who have harmed each other in ways that strangers never would.
In Law enforcement we see this reality up close. Cases of violent sibling rivalries. Family members at war over property. Relatives who have tried to kill each other. The bond of blood doesn’t guarantee love, loyalty, or even basic decency.
At the same time, some family members are genuine comforters and supporters. They show up in crisis. They sacrifice for each other. The bond can be real, deep, and life sustaining.Sweet families are loving, supportive, and a constant source of warmth.
So which is true? Both. Family can be your greatest blessing or your deepest wound. Sometimes both at once.
There’s a newer saying that captures this complexity: Blood is not thicker than mental health.
The Balance Between Trying and Letting Go
At a certain stage in life, what we need from family is simple love and companionship. Not money, not status, not validation , just basic human connection. Yet even this modest desire often goes unmet because of inherited grudges, entitlement,jealousy, and toxic patterns.
Should we still make efforts to bring families together? Yes. Settling disputes, reaching out, attempting reconciliation , these efforts matter. Family, especially the nuclear family, is valuable. Those bonds are worth fighting for.
But we must also recognize when family relationships are genuinely harmful. When the toxicity outweighs the connection. When protecting your peace and your children’s wellbeing requires distance.
Not every family relationship can or should be salvaged. Some relatives are dangerous. Some situations have no good solution. Sometimes the wisest choice is to let certain relationships fade, to accept that some branches are dead.
This isn’t giving up. It’s protecting yourself. It’s choosing mental health over obligation.
Here’s the hard truth , families will continue to break up and disintegrate. Maybe it’s human nature. We’re proud, easily offended, slow to forgive. We pass our parents’ conflicts to our children. We let small disputes become permanent divisions.
Right now, across the world, there are cousins who don’t know each other. Uncles and nieces who have never met. Aunties who are strangers to their own blood. An entire generation disconnected, not by geography or death, but by deliberate choices and inherited feuds.
This pattern will likely continue. We can fight against it,and we should but we must also be realistic. Some families will reunite. Many won’t. Some relationships are worth the effort to repair. Others are better left alone.
The key is knowing the difference.
Family is precious when it’s healthy. But blood alone doesn’t justify tolerating abuse, toxicity, or harm. Sometimes the most loving thing you can do for yourself and your children is to walk away from poisonous family dynamics.
After all, some bonds are worth keeping. And some are worth breaking.
This isn’t just an article. It’s a plea for all of us to choose wisely.
-TUNJI DISU
